hmmm

Why don’t I want to go to the valentine’s party thing tomorrow? Well, I guess it’s mostly because I don’t know the person who I’m going with. So maybe I’ve “met” him. But I don’t consider having “met” someone until I’m introduced and I at least know their name. I don’t know why it’s bothering me that everyone Ting hangs out with is Asian. And because I only hang out with Ting, I’m hanging out with only Asians. I feel like the stupid little white American girl. So ignorant, so unknowing. I feel left out. I don’t like being American, because even though I am American I know there are stereotypes, which I’m aware of, sort of. It’s hard knowing that I’m being judged. Well, that’s not really true. I only think I’m being judged. I don’t know if I’m actually being judged. I wish I had more confidence. I still don’t know the underlying reason why I don’t want to go. I feel like an outcast. Why don’t I like myself?

I’ve been feeling weird lately. Like today, I was on the urge of laughing, yet I never did. It was a very strange feeling. I felt like I was on drugs or something of that sort.

I wish I could get my little ass to apply to the schools that I want to go to. Just do it. Just fucking do it!!!! I don’t know why I’m so scared of leaving Iowa. I just don’t know what I would do if I DID stay at Iowa State next year. Grr, whirrrr, double stir. God, I’m an idiot.

“Happiness is something you decide on…ahead of time.” – A wise woman

“We get rescued by giving what we need most. What we are waiting for has always lived inside us.” – Another, different, wise woman

And about the previous post about 12 strands of DNA...I read it in a Barbara Marciniak book and aliens and shit. I was just wondering if anyone else had heard of it. Instead I got a wonderfully anonymous post about it not being from the hitchhikers guide. Thanks for more of stupid life's mysteries.

I really don't know why I'm in such a bad mood. Maybe because I'm Nandi/Ananda Joy Duszynski