hmmm

Why don’t I want to go to the valentine’s party thing tomorrow? Well, I guess it’s mostly because I don’t know the person who I’m going with. So maybe I’ve “met” him. But I don’t consider having “met” someone until I’m introduced and I at least know their name. I don’t know why it’s bothering me that everyone Ting hangs out with is Asian. And because I only hang out with Ting, I’m hanging out with only Asians. I feel like the stupid little white American girl. So ignorant, so unknowing. I feel left out. I don’t like being American, because even though I am American I know there are stereotypes, which I’m aware of, sort of. It’s hard knowing that I’m being judged. Well, that’s not really true. I only think I’m being judged. I don’t know if I’m actually being judged. I wish I had more confidence. I still don’t know the underlying reason why I don’t want to go. I feel like an outcast. Why don’t I like myself?

I’ve been feeling weird lately. Like today, I was on the urge of laughing, yet I never did. It was a very strange feeling. I felt like I was on drugs or something of that sort.

I wish I could get my little ass to apply to the schools that I want to go to. Just do it. Just fucking do it!!!! I don’t know why I’m so scared of leaving Iowa. I just don’t know what I would do if I DID stay at Iowa State next year. Grr, whirrrr, double stir. God, I’m an idiot.

“Happiness is something you decide on…ahead of time.” – A wise woman

“We get rescued by giving what we need most. What we are waiting for has always lived inside us.” – Another, different, wise woman

And about the previous post about 12 strands of DNA...I read it in a Barbara Marciniak book and aliens and shit. I was just wondering if anyone else had heard of it. Instead I got a wonderfully anonymous post about it not being from the hitchhikers guide. Thanks for more of stupid life's mysteries.

I really don't know why I'm in such a bad mood. Maybe because I'm Nandi/Ananda Joy Duszynski

has anyone ever heard that humans once had 12 strands of DNA? I have heard this before...it was repeated to me a little while ago and it felt like I had heard it before but I don't know where it was from. For some reason I think I read it in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. What gives?

words are not my friends. that's why i don't talk sometimes because all that comes to mind are emotions. word just don't express what i'm feeling. i just have...a feeling. ack. i had more to say, but i forgot it on the way to the computer. fuuuuuuuck. i'm having such a bad day. i feel like i'm in this extreme fog of fogginess. fog, fog, FOG. i really don't feel real. or at least i don't feel real in my sense of reality. i hate talking. can't you just read my mind? but only what i want you to hear? i don't even know who i'm talking to. i think i'm talking to everyone in general. i'm having such a hard time typing. i'm dyslexic (sp?...i don't care, too lazy to look up). i can't talk!!! damn fucking grr.

I wanna write until the pen runs out of ink. And the words fall off the page. And then it all falls to pieces. Man I'm so sober I could walk a mile and not fall over. This folk actress is in my head, only until she gets fed. Interesting how it all falls apart and you realize how it all got to start. Then you realize it was all your fault. And it all falls to pieces. All these people have influenced my life. I want to influence someone else's life. And if I create it, it will come. but what if I'm not ready to have that much control? Then I'm not. It's all got to stop! Oh man I meant to call. Oh man, I meant to do this and that. But no, I just sit on my bony ass and watch t.v. It's funny how when away from home nothing seems to influence me. All I do is cry instead. Oh man I should be going to bed. But if I go to bed I'll sit and cry because I'll have all these thoughts and not be able to lie-as in down. Now's my turn to make a difference. Make a list of all the positive things people have said to me...start buy fresh buy local. Keep old friends. Make some new ones. Don't scare them too soon. Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. But DO be courageous. Man it's killing me inside. Too many choices. Not enough focus. Go back to the Source. Learn. Absorb. Grow. Don't be afraid to reach into the past to make the future better. It's religious people that make me question myself. It's myself that makes me question myself. I am the creator of every action that takes place. My thoughts, my words, my actions have consequences. Everything affects everyone. Oh man, oh man. I like to rhyme. TEEHEE! With sugar and sex on top. OKay, here's a thinker: the bopper of the day...Set aside time to draw, sew, knit, crochet.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GET TO SEE GEMMA TOMORROW. no wait, it's today...in like 16 horus!!! I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP.

you know what sucks? not having someone to wake you up if you're alarm's stupid volume isn't loud enough. that's what sucks. my alarm went off today, but when I turned the volume up to check that it was working, it was just static. grrrr. now I know to always check my alarm before I go to bed. again.