hmmm

words are not my friends. that's why i don't talk sometimes because all that comes to mind are emotions. word just don't express what i'm feeling. i just have...a feeling. ack. i had more to say, but i forgot it on the way to the computer. fuuuuuuuck. i'm having such a bad day. i feel like i'm in this extreme fog of fogginess. fog, fog, FOG. i really don't feel real. or at least i don't feel real in my sense of reality. i hate talking. can't you just read my mind? but only what i want you to hear? i don't even know who i'm talking to. i think i'm talking to everyone in general. i'm having such a hard time typing. i'm dyslexic (sp?...i don't care, too lazy to look up). i can't talk!!! damn fucking grr.

I wanna write until the pen runs out of ink. And the words fall off the page. And then it all falls to pieces. Man I'm so sober I could walk a mile and not fall over. This folk actress is in my head, only until she gets fed. Interesting how it all falls apart and you realize how it all got to start. Then you realize it was all your fault. And it all falls to pieces. All these people have influenced my life. I want to influence someone else's life. And if I create it, it will come. but what if I'm not ready to have that much control? Then I'm not. It's all got to stop! Oh man I meant to call. Oh man, I meant to do this and that. But no, I just sit on my bony ass and watch t.v. It's funny how when away from home nothing seems to influence me. All I do is cry instead. Oh man I should be going to bed. But if I go to bed I'll sit and cry because I'll have all these thoughts and not be able to lie-as in down. Now's my turn to make a difference. Make a list of all the positive things people have said to me...start buy fresh buy local. Keep old friends. Make some new ones. Don't scare them too soon. Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. But DO be courageous. Man it's killing me inside. Too many choices. Not enough focus. Go back to the Source. Learn. Absorb. Grow. Don't be afraid to reach into the past to make the future better. It's religious people that make me question myself. It's myself that makes me question myself. I am the creator of every action that takes place. My thoughts, my words, my actions have consequences. Everything affects everyone. Oh man, oh man. I like to rhyme. TEEHEE! With sugar and sex on top. OKay, here's a thinker: the bopper of the day...Set aside time to draw, sew, knit, crochet.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GET TO SEE GEMMA TOMORROW. no wait, it's today...in like 16 horus!!! I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP.

you know what sucks? not having someone to wake you up if you're alarm's stupid volume isn't loud enough. that's what sucks. my alarm went off today, but when I turned the volume up to check that it was working, it was just static. grrrr. now I know to always check my alarm before I go to bed. again.